Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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