I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
