Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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