DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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