She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
