ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Randomize
