My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
