well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
