im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
third nipple confirmed
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
