She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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