Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
