My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
