Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
