The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
