i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
