i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
