You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
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He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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