When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
