I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
