I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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