And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
