Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
