i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
