I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
