I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
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You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
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Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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