I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
