I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
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Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
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Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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