he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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