thus making me awesome and them whores
he shaved USA in his pubs
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
i've created a new STD.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
