Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
