I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
