So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
