one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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