I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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