I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
