FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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