I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
