So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
