Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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