life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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