I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
