So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
