Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
