i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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