I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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