so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
