Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
