Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
