the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
