I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
