i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
