does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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