I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
