I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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