Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
