3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
