Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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