I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
So squirting runs in the family.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
