Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
