This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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