I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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