Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize