Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
