Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
